What's wrong with this picture?

One of these things is not like the other,
one of them's different, can you tell?
Can you guess which kid is doin' his own thing?
Guess before my song is done....
(da,da, da, da, da-dah...)
And now my song is done.*

Can someone tell me when Time magazine became a tabloid? I'm so out of touch apparently.

(*I'd just like to thank the fine people at the Sesame Street Workshop for their classic lyrics. One of my fave's.)

What Are U Thinking?

Lately I have noticed these snarky little sarcastic commercials gracing the airwaves, and they seem to be about feminine hygiene products. While I applaud the tone of the commercials, I look at this new product line U by Kotex, and I have to ask what are you thinking? It seems they are attempting to make your menstrual cycle hip, cool and no big deal. Well I have news for you Kotex, a period will never be hip or cool and no amount of slick black packaging and day glow applicators are going to help. It is a physically and emotionally messy time in every woman's life and having neon colored tampons will do nothing to alleviate the mood swings, bloating and cramps. Why do you think the promise of fewer and lighter periods is a selling point for birth control pills?

The other problem I have with this product line is that they are so busy being cool that they never stop to explain why U by Kotex is better than other products. Why do you deserve my six bucks? There doesn't seem to be any meaningful innovation here, people. Where is the promise of leak guards and 360 degree protection? The best slogans they have to offer are "Later, Dullsville. Hello, Different." and "OOOH...It comes in my color". Who the hell cares? Its a period not a rave or a cool new accessory. I doubt many women and girls will be waving their feminine hygiene products around in public no matter how "cute" and "trendy" they are. Your period is not supposed to be fun and it is a big deal. Women need products that work not a neon party pack of funky colors.

Open Letter to Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

Please explain to me how you have run completely out of ideas for new movies?

I guess being from the Midwest I have some idyllic vision of you being overwrought with would-be movie hacks spewing their 60 second elevator pitches every minute of every day. I simply can't imagine that my mental picture is that far off from the truth.

If this is so, then why oh why have you chosen to spew forth a barrage of 80's movie remakes? Are the up-and-coming movie writers of today really so pathetic that you have to make Clash of the Titans (again) and The A-Team (again, albeit this was a TV show and not a movie).

The original, and still best	I'm not sure if I should like you or not.

I mean, haven't any of you learned your lessons from the recent trips down memory lane -- G.I. Joe, Transformers (ok, toys from that era, but you see where I'm going), Fame and Indiana Jones...

Come on. You can't tell me that turning The Karate Kid (slated for 2010), Red Dawn (slated for 2010), Tron (slated for 2010), and The Highlander (slated for late 2010) into updated versions is going to do diddly squat for your sales, your image, or your prestige.

As a movie goer, and child of the 80's I'm pleading with you. Please either come up with new, original, decent stuff (com'on now I know you can do it...) or at the very, very least -- tread softly with my fond memories. I'm sick of having you ruin them with special effects and skankier actors.

Yours sincerely,
Disgruntled Gen-Xer

Get Over Yourselves Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

Okay. I know what you're thinking. This one is way too obvious. I mean if anyone needs a reality check it is this no talent plastic surgery whore and her sleazy douche bag of a husband. They are a prime example of reality stardom gone horribly wrong, and this nomination is more obvious than Ricky Martin's recent outburst from the closet (yes he's gay and we are all shocked). I mean this is the couple that over 90% of E! viewers said they no longer wanted to hear about on E! News. A certain feisty blond bombshell comedienne will only refer to them as Herpes 1 & 2 when forced by circumstance to mention them on her very popular late night talk show. They are ridiculous and everyone acknowledges it, and yet, like the hearty cockroach, they refuse to die. I felt compelled to make this nomination after getting wind of their latest stab at grabbing attention. It is in such poor taste and so insulting to a minority that has suffered quite enough at the hands of white people, that I could not let if pass without comment.

Spencer and Heidi have given themselves Native American names, and may I say that having discovered my own Native American Heritage a few years ago, I find that I am personally insulted by this pathetically transparent plea for attention. Heidi took the name White Wolf, and Spencer is Running Bear. They said that taking these names was a way to connect with their spirituality.

Wouldn't it solve everyone's problem if one or all of the remaining Native American tribes would declare war on Heidi and Spencer? At least this debacle has one consolation. Heidi and Spencer will surely no longer be welcome in any of the many Indian Casinos, the only place she ever had a snow ball's chance in hell of "singing". Then again, Native Americans truly have suffered enough.

On a separate note, I would like to say to all the previous nominees in this category, especially Lindsay Lohan, to take a good look at yourselves people because now you are in the same category as Heidi and Spencer.

Get over yourself UPS dude

Who is this UPS whiteboard dude, and why is this an actual national ad campaign? 

My theory is that the entire concept is a subtle ripoff of John Robbins and his utterly fantastic 70's PBS kids series "Cover to Cover."  Remember the show where the dark-haired guy would read you the story while drawing pictures of it?  Yeah.  It was cool.  The UPS guy decidedly is not.

So... unless you plan to draw something more valuable on your whiteboard, can narrate an interesting children's book instead of a clumsy ad pitch, and get a big boy haircut while you're at it: UPS dude, you can just join Lindsay Lohan in getting over yourself. 

Paying a consultant to state the obvious

In the process of wrapping up a five-year consulting business (entirely small time consulting, but nonetheless successful), I stumbled upon another Universal Truth. 

Companies invariably value the opinion of The Consultant over the expertise of their own employees.

Why is this?  The employees I have encountered are plugged in to the corporate culture, the overall industry, and the day-to-day challenges facing a given organization in a way that The Consultant can never be. 

Yes, The Consultant sometimes has the advantage of seeing things from the outside.  They're not in the trenches every day, absorbed in deadlines and details.  The Consultant sometimes has a "best practices" advantage in their area of expertise... having worked, I imagine, with many similar organizations facing the same issues.  The Consultant is not bogged down by whatever culture, operational heirarchies, territorial issues and sacred cows that work together to create the landscape that employees have no choice but to operate within.

All too often, however, The Consultant is given an inordinate amount of credence simply for stating the obvious. 

I wonder how many employers could save a buck - - and quite possibly end up with even stronger results - - if they empowered their own key leaders to become "consultant for a month."  Seriously.  Take the everyday workload and set it aside at a feasible time, and grant the right employees an opportunity to share their insight. 

I know there are many companies where this wouldn't work.  Not every employee, even a great one, can think out of the box.  Or even wants to.  But some of the places I've encountered would do well to plug into what their own people have been telling them all along, instead of bringing in a fancypants outsider to pitch the same ideas.

That said, it's been a fanstastic ride, and having the freedom to be the person charged with thinking creatively about organizational issues has suited me perfectly.  I applaud any employer willing to listen and make changes - - wherever the source of their guidance.  The people I've worked for have been amazing, and I highly recommend consulting as an interesting and challenging line of work. 

Ultimately, I hope my stint as The Consultant makes me a better employee, now that I'm taking off my fancy pants and leaping back over to the other side of the fence.

Death is stalking us all

It’s a rarely disputed fact that we are all on our way to becoming our parents, right? The only real debate seems to be the timing. And how hard to fight it.

I liken the aging process to an insidious creep. It’s the tiger silently following you through the jungle. You know it’s there, and it’s scary as hell, but just keep on walking because you don’t really have a choice.

So those rare moments when the “you’re old!” tiger leaps out of the underbrush, claws glistening, are really, really disconcerting.  Here is a small collection of recent “tiger” moments I’ve experienced lately:

• Thinking how cool it is that my tots are rocking out to “my” music (instead of Barney) in the car… only to realize my previously razor-cool alternative/death metal is now being played on the station one step away from easy listening.
• Being shocked - - shocked! - - by what teenagers are wearing these days, even though I strutted around the same hooker borderlands right into my mid-20’s.
• Realizing I actually don’t want a tattoo that badly, after all.
• Learning that makeup isn’t the magical answer it used to be. Instead of a fun option that can make me look extra-fancy, it’s quickly becoming the thin line separating my morning face from that of an embalmed corpse.
• Having way too many of those “my generation was so much more __________” moments. I mean, we listened to the best music, were the most anti-establishment (in our disorganized slacker way), wore the coolest clothes, and had the best time ever. And who the hell do these kids think they are, anyway?

No I won't be your "Fan" on Facebook - Stop bugging me!

Lately, I’ve noticed my local news programs touting their Facebook pages at every opportunity and repeatedly asking viewers to be their “Fan.” You mean it's not enough for you that I am up a 6 am enduring your insipid banter and not hurling large objects at the TV screen? You exist on my TV for the purpose of providing me with a weather forecast and assuring me that the apocalypse has not or is not occurring. I need both these things to start my day with confidence. I don’t need you to plead with me, like the pathetic cross eyed kid in grade school who creeped everyone out by rocking back and forth at his desk eating paste and boogers, to be your friend. I mean it is starting to sound rather desperate, this lunge towards social marketing. Just because you have a page on a social networking site, it doesn’t make you cool. It is definitely not cool to beg for attention either.

To be fair, my distaste for this marketing tactic may have a little to do with my own personality. As very smart and slightly awkward child, I was an outsider in my small town. I pissed off my peers by being smarter than them and at the same time I was pathetic at sports. I never felt like I belonged, and I decided early on that belonging wasn’t cool. I became devoted to the things on the fringes. I liked the weird music, the books that were different, and the arty films. When one of my obsessions hit the main stream, I would lose interest in it completely. Like it became tainted by the masses and suddenly become uncool. It had “sold-out” for the sake of popularity.

I was a drama kid and later, a Theatre Major in college. I never wanted to join a group or allow people to label me according to my interests. Thankfully I have grown out of most of these tendencies. Although I still can’t bring myself to commit to a political party. Still there is one little black corner of my heart that finds this lust for popularity and acceptance very distasteful. A little room with black walls, lots of candles, music by XTC and a shrine to River Phoenix.

It is for this reason that I have resisted the internet, cell phones, and mp3 players. Eventually I will adopt the technology, but I have to plant my Army surplus combat boots somewhere and pick a line I won’t cross.

So that is why, local news and corporate entities, I will never be your Fan on Facebook.

Surviving the Apocalypse: What do You Bring to the Party?

As anyone who follows this blog knows, the apocalypse could occur at any moment. We here at Snarklet feel that being prepared is our best defense against impending doom. When the crap hits the fan, it is important that you bring some skills to the party. In the aftermath of a civilization destroying event, the fact that you can text 90 “words” per minute will not save your ass from marauding hordes of mutants, feed and hydrate your family, or help rebuild society and preserve human culture. You don't survive the apocalypse by collecting bottle caps. Think low tech skills like the ability to grow crops, hunt and cook food, make clothing, and defend others, because these skills will be difference between you gaining a place in the new world order or gaining a place on a roasting spit.

I myself can cook and knit, and more importantly I have friends and family. I know at least two black belts, two experienced construction workers (one with an engineering degree), two health care professionals, six avid gardeners, two people with access to lots of land/livestock, and someone who spins her own yarn. In fact, my friend Jane, the spinner, may just be the future of the human race. Jane can garden, cook, sew, knit and now, spin her own yarn. (We are expecting a loom to show up any day now.) She runs and bikes daily and is in phenomenal shape. We know she can kick all of our combined butts (with the possible exception of the black belts), and should any one of us become a threat to the new world order, she would not hesitate to take us down.

So take a look around at yourself, your family, and your friends. What do you bring to the apocalypse? How can you contribute to rebuilding society? Even my brother, the sweetest and gentlest man I know, possesses a talent for music and math that will allow us preserve those skill sets for the next generation. So the next time you start feeling really good about your McMansion in the suburbs, your fancy cars, your high powered corporate job, and your spoiled whiny 2.5 kids, ask yourself what you would bring to the Armageddon fiesta and who would you invite?

Get Over Yourself: Kate Gosselin

Ok, first off I'm just going to say that I have been marginally entertained by "John & Kate Plus 8" back when the show used to be about the kids. Remember them? (that question was for you Kate and John...) But since the switch to focusing more on the parents and their drama I have, for the most part, tuned them out as mere white noise.

But, after seeing what Kate said about being on Dancing with the Stars (another show I don't watch, by the way), I have to add her to the "Get over yourself" list.

In an interview with Access Hollywood, she claims she is dancing for all the moms out there...

Kate also added that she would be dancing for moms across America. "All the moms out there, this is for you," she said before her Viennese waltz. "Wish me luck."

Really. Really.

Let me tell you, as a mom - this is the last thing we need. Thanks Kate, but I really don't need you or your high-priced extensions being shoved around a dance floor poorly on national TV to be done -- for me. I'd say you and your over-bleached new teeth need to maybe just get a little grip first before you go spouting off about representing any moms anywhere. Please keep in mind you have now been added to a category you share with Lindsay Lohan, and you have 8 children to teach by example.

So, yes, I wholeheartedly feel that she's due for a strong does of getting over herself.

A Cougar Moment

The other day I had a little sneak peek into the world of cougars – no, it wasn’t an episode of Nature, it was the other much more dangerous kind of cougar. At this point I feel obligated to point out that while I have no issues with ladies dating much younger men, it isn’t what I’m looking for personally. Let’s just say that I’m just not that into babysitting.

My introduction into the cougar scene began with a routine shopping trip. I walked into the store and was greeted by the clerk who was either a freshman in collage or 12, I wasn’t quite sure. Yeah, that would make him old enough to be my much younger cousin or something. Anyway, he was able to find the first item on my list, but was a little stumped trying to find the exercise bands I needed. At this point, he volunteered to track some down that he had at home. Hmm, awkward. . .Before he could volunteer contact info I sputtered out thanks and hastily confessed that I had something at home that might work as a substitute, paid my bill and headed out.

Now some may argue that I was a bit bedraggled and it may have actually have been pity on his part, but choose to believe that I was being hit on. Some of you may call that denial; I call it my cougar moment.

'Other women' who just don't measure up

The latest celebrity sex scandal has me wondering, more than ever, about 'other women.'  Why have so many high-profile men with exceptional wives cheated with such lowbrow mistresses?

It has to be really kinky sex. 

(And I am not talking about mildly kinky. I mean really kinky - like, you'd have to pay a woman to perform that act.)

I mean, I can't actually think of a single other category in which "Bombshell" McGee can compete with Sandra. 

Dear god, can you imagine the horror of knowing that every time (probably forevermore) someone googles your name, pictures of this tramp will pop up?

Not to mention Tiger's string of mentally deficient not-quite-whores compared to the stunning, seemingly intelligent Elin. 

Or, say, Elliot Spitzer's actual whore.  (Yes, she's trying to reinvent herself as an advice columnist, but I'm going to be uncharitable and still think of her as a whore.  And not even a very pretty one.)

This is quite good news for most of us, actually.  I am pretty sure the percentage of men who demand truly kinky sex has got to be minute.  And a large number of the uber-kinkies are probably overindulged Hollywood (or Washington) jerks.

In other words, probably not your husband or mine. 

Of course, if kinky sex were the only reason men cheated, we'd all have installed dominatrix dens in our basements by now.  Heck, I'd rather don some latex and grab a whip than go through a nasty divorce.

We average chicks still have to worry about infidelity.  But if we ever find ourselves stuck in an unfortunate situation with an 'other woman,' let's at least hope she's not a clueless, unattractive, overly made-up (botoxed-up, implanted-up, tattooed-up) prostitute.

Now, go kiss your husbands.