On becoming a mistress

I was utterly surprised to learn about a rumor at my new workplace: That I slept my way to the top!  How delicious to be the focus of such juicy gossip! 

Dear snarkies, bear in mind that this is no glamorous, enviable job.  It's nice, to be sure, but it's not as though I'm making six figures or punching in at ten every morning.  I work hard, I make average bank, and up until recently, I've been a pretty anonymous worker bee.  I've been singled out for extra attention because someone who did not get my job has elected to sue my employer.  His argument is that I, a mere thirty-something girl, could not possibly be as qualified as he.  Because I work for an organization that's often in the press, his lawsuit made the news in a modest way... spawning the mistress theory. 

I won't waste your time with a laundry list of professional accomplishments (it's tempting though).  Nor will I deign to step up onto the soapbox of feminist indignity (I did that over cocktails with my friends last week).

My mother-in-law was furious!  "All they have to do is look at the pictures in your office to see what a great looking husband you've got!"  Really.  That was her reaction.  To come to the defense of her virile and indisputably attractive son.  Oye.

My friend Julie pointed out that I could possibly leverage this rumor into actually becoming a mistress, thereby cutting my house payment down to nothing and maybe getting some good lingerie in the bargain.  I'll have to talk it over with my husband. 

I have elected to stoically look for the silver lining in the situation.  And I found it: This rumor officially means I am still hot.

After all, no one gripes about tired-looking Susie with the wart on her chin sleeping her way up the ladder. I will cling to this rumor as a sort of unofficial poll of my peers that declares: "She is attractive enough that someone powerful and influential would like to take her to bed."  I'm nearly 40 with two small children.  I just traded up to the more powerful and effective wrinkle "serum" because the regular cream wasn't cutting it anymore.  This rumor is just what I needed to keep a little spring in my step!

I can already imagine, few years hence, when a new ridiculous lawsuit is filed and the rumors - - disappointingly - - will say instead that I bribed my way into a great job.  Or that it was nepotism.  Or blackmail.  I'll be able to look back at this time fondly and think to myself, "those were the days."