Dear Friends and Readers, I realize that we who contribute
to this blog have neglected our duty for the past year. We have failed to bring you witty articles
about pop culture, health and beauty trends, travel, and fine dining. We have failed to provide the insightful
social commentary and useful tips on apocalypse preparedness on which you had
come to rely. The only excuse I give, in
my case, for this gross oversight is my brush with death last fall. After fighting my way, heroically I might
add, back from surgery and infection, I found myself in an appreciative fog
unable to be truly snarky and thus unworthy of posting to this blog. Today, my friends, this changes because over
the past couple of weeks a news story has chilled me to my very core. It is impossible for me to keep silent about
the impending disaster that hangs over us all holding our world’s happiness and
existence as we know it in a precarious balance. I refer, of course, to:
BACON-OCALYSPE 2013!
Last week it hit the national news and for a moment my heart
stopped beating. Bacon Shortage! No not that! Please by all that is holy,
anything but that. Why now? We just
learned how to put it into ice cream. Is
it just bacon, or will I have to give up my pulled pork, carnitas, and
sausage? Will we be forced to stand in
long lines for meager pork rations while privileged government leaders gorge themselves
on BLT’s? Or even worse, forced to eat
bacon substitutes like turkey bacon, soy products or in the most desperate
situations Soylent Bacon also known as long pig? I rushed to my local grocery store and
snatched up packages of Oscar Mayer and then scoured the internet for some
glimmer of hope, a silver lining behind this, the darkest and ugliest of
clouds. It turns out that this story originated with the press release from an
obscure British trade organization, and although the drought experienced this
past summer will affect the pork supply in the coming year, there is not a
shortage of pork products looming on the horizon. No this was just a crass marketing ploy to
soften the economic blow of higher pork prices due to the higher cost of feed. So there will still plenty of pork products
available, but the price may be less palatable. Then again, I always say that pig is proof
that god loves us and can you really put a price tag on love?
I'd just like to point out that "Bacon-acolypse" is nearly impossible to say. Really. Try it.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, my only comment is a big sigh of relief.
did you like the nod to REM in the title - its the end of the world as we know it - and I feel swine...also an allusion to my recovery after sickness..I am such a clever little monkey.
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