Apocalyptic grooming

Of the many changes I expect to be wrought by the apocalypse, I believe perhaps the most profound will be in the area of personal grooming. I'm not implying that radioactive wildlife or roaming bands of flesh-eating zombies (depending upon how exactly the horsemen ride in) are not profound changes. But I think, for those of us who plan on surviving the ordeal and building a successful new world order, it is perhaps the little things that will ultimately drive home how truly our lives have changed.

Grooming trends anticipated to drastically change.

1. Shaving. This tradition will clearly become arcane once no one has a boss to impress and mating prospects can be taken more or less for granted. Men can hack off their facial hair when it becomes cumbersome. Women will have no problem sporting short-shorts... and lush pelts.

2. Mani-pedis. The terms "cuticle," "French manicure" and "ped-egg" will quickly become obsolete and replaced by new trends, such as gnawing all fingernails to the quick with the exception of the "pointer" or "eviscerator" finger.

3. Bikini waxes. See the reference to pelts, above. And thongs? One day, we will look back at that trend with the same amazement we now reserve for great-great-grandma's bloomers. With barely-suppressed grins, we will shake our practical heads in amazement at a society that found this type of undergarment acceptable!

4. Styling products. I'm pretty sure no one is going to care if our hair is frizzy, or lank, or dull in the post-apocalyptic period.

5. Eyebrow waxing. In the new era, our eyebrows will cease being merely decorative and return to their original function: keeping sweat out of our eyes. The bushier the better.

Grooming needs that we should begin detailed manufacturing/stockpiling plans for immediately.

1. Deodorant. Just because the world as we know it has come to an end does not mean we can lower our standards in this arena and become dirty hippies who rely on the magical power of underarm "crystals" to cure our stink.

2. Feminine hygiene products. We all love to poke fun at their commercials, but these are an absolutely non-negotiable necessity. First person to develop a post-apocalyptic replacement product (because I'm assuming the run on drugstores is going to be fierce), wins the Nobel Prize.

3. Dental hygiene products. It is likely that sufficient substitutes can be created using available ingredients. Given all we know about proper dental care and the painful problems caused by lack of it, this is one grooming trend we cannot afford to let fall by the wayside.

4. Toilet paper. Is this technically a grooming product? We do not today think of it in those terms. However, I would argue that a lack of adequate, effective toilet paper would grow into a significant grooming issue rather quickly. Let's not trot down that path people. Add toilet paper (or an easily accessible substitute) to your personal list of apocalypse essentials.

These two lists are by no means comprehensive, and I welcome additions as we continue to formalize our comprehensive guide to planning for and ultimately embracing the apocalypse.