What's wrong with this picture?

One of these things is not like the other,
one of them's different, can you tell?
Can you guess which kid is doin' his own thing?
Guess before my song is done....
(da,da, da, da, da-dah...)
And now my song is done.*

Can someone tell me when Time magazine became a tabloid? I'm so out of touch apparently.

(*I'd just like to thank the fine people at the Sesame Street Workshop for their classic lyrics. One of my fave's.)

What Are U Thinking?

Lately I have noticed these snarky little sarcastic commercials gracing the airwaves, and they seem to be about feminine hygiene products. While I applaud the tone of the commercials, I look at this new product line U by Kotex, and I have to ask what are you thinking? It seems they are attempting to make your menstrual cycle hip, cool and no big deal. Well I have news for you Kotex, a period will never be hip or cool and no amount of slick black packaging and day glow applicators are going to help. It is a physically and emotionally messy time in every woman's life and having neon colored tampons will do nothing to alleviate the mood swings, bloating and cramps. Why do you think the promise of fewer and lighter periods is a selling point for birth control pills?

The other problem I have with this product line is that they are so busy being cool that they never stop to explain why U by Kotex is better than other products. Why do you deserve my six bucks? There doesn't seem to be any meaningful innovation here, people. Where is the promise of leak guards and 360 degree protection? The best slogans they have to offer are "Later, Dullsville. Hello, Different." and "OOOH...It comes in my color". Who the hell cares? Its a period not a rave or a cool new accessory. I doubt many women and girls will be waving their feminine hygiene products around in public no matter how "cute" and "trendy" they are. Your period is not supposed to be fun and it is a big deal. Women need products that work not a neon party pack of funky colors.

Open Letter to Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

Please explain to me how you have run completely out of ideas for new movies?

I guess being from the Midwest I have some idyllic vision of you being overwrought with would-be movie hacks spewing their 60 second elevator pitches every minute of every day. I simply can't imagine that my mental picture is that far off from the truth.

If this is so, then why oh why have you chosen to spew forth a barrage of 80's movie remakes? Are the up-and-coming movie writers of today really so pathetic that you have to make Clash of the Titans (again) and The A-Team (again, albeit this was a TV show and not a movie).

The original, and still best	I'm not sure if I should like you or not.

I mean, haven't any of you learned your lessons from the recent trips down memory lane -- G.I. Joe, Transformers (ok, toys from that era, but you see where I'm going), Fame and Indiana Jones...

Come on. You can't tell me that turning The Karate Kid (slated for 2010), Red Dawn (slated for 2010), Tron (slated for 2010), and The Highlander (slated for late 2010) into updated versions is going to do diddly squat for your sales, your image, or your prestige.

As a movie goer, and child of the 80's I'm pleading with you. Please either come up with new, original, decent stuff (com'on now I know you can do it...) or at the very, very least -- tread softly with my fond memories. I'm sick of having you ruin them with special effects and skankier actors.

Yours sincerely,
Disgruntled Gen-Xer

Get Over Yourselves Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

Okay. I know what you're thinking. This one is way too obvious. I mean if anyone needs a reality check it is this no talent plastic surgery whore and her sleazy douche bag of a husband. They are a prime example of reality stardom gone horribly wrong, and this nomination is more obvious than Ricky Martin's recent outburst from the closet (yes he's gay and we are all shocked). I mean this is the couple that over 90% of E! viewers said they no longer wanted to hear about on E! News. A certain feisty blond bombshell comedienne will only refer to them as Herpes 1 & 2 when forced by circumstance to mention them on her very popular late night talk show. They are ridiculous and everyone acknowledges it, and yet, like the hearty cockroach, they refuse to die. I felt compelled to make this nomination after getting wind of their latest stab at grabbing attention. It is in such poor taste and so insulting to a minority that has suffered quite enough at the hands of white people, that I could not let if pass without comment.

Spencer and Heidi have given themselves Native American names, and may I say that having discovered my own Native American Heritage a few years ago, I find that I am personally insulted by this pathetically transparent plea for attention. Heidi took the name White Wolf, and Spencer is Running Bear. They said that taking these names was a way to connect with their spirituality.

Wouldn't it solve everyone's problem if one or all of the remaining Native American tribes would declare war on Heidi and Spencer? At least this debacle has one consolation. Heidi and Spencer will surely no longer be welcome in any of the many Indian Casinos, the only place she ever had a snow ball's chance in hell of "singing". Then again, Native Americans truly have suffered enough.

On a separate note, I would like to say to all the previous nominees in this category, especially Lindsay Lohan, to take a good look at yourselves people because now you are in the same category as Heidi and Spencer.